The Bloganism

Anorexia and more!

2008-02-27T21:40:00.004-05:00

The Birds!

2008-02-27T21:24:00.002-05:00

Starlings swarming.

Also: starlings vs tree, -who will win?

Eight weird things about me

2008-02-27T20:10:00.003-05:00

I've been tagged by Mark Bourrie from Ottawa Watch for this list, so here she be...

(1) I have no idea as to how my last name is pronounced.

(2) I am both a supertaster and colour-blind.

(3) I've suffered from Exploding_head_syndrome since I was a kid. Freaky, but benign.

(4) I was once stabbed in the head by a retarded psychopath, who promptly dropped his pants and started masturbating furiously while moaning 'I almost killed Frank'.

(5) While visiting Oxford in my early forties, the old dude behind the reception desk recognized me from thirty years ago, when he was a visiting teacher at my Ottawa high school. He later pulled out the yearbook from that year, and then pointed me out from my class picture.

(6) I never believed in Santa Claus.

(7) I was diagnosed as retarded as a kid. One shrink even pegged me as autistic.

(8) I used to have Tourettes, but I'm alright now shit fuck nipple pepsi vagina.

Tag:
Old Fish Dude

Today's joke

2008-01-21T19:35:00.001-05:00

Q: How do you circumcise a creationist?

A: You kick his sister in the chin.

Pleurocystites

2007-12-19T22:02:00.000-05:00

You just gotta love those guys - a crazy mix of radial, pentameral and bilateral symmetry.
I've won this piece on eBay, and it looks gorgeous. Bonus: I've yet to see such excellent ventral preservation on these dudes.

Save the Whale!

2007-12-19T21:21:00.000-05:00

A few months ago, Greenpeace started an online poll to name one of the whales to be caught by Japanese fishermen, in order to protest this inhuman (incetacean?) hunt.

As might be expected, the entries were of the usual variety, such as 'Sea Spirit' or 'Qaliitjak' or whatever sounded noble and aboriginal.

However, the good folks at Fark.com put in an entry, almost guaranteeing a win, since Farkers are several tens of thousand strong, and can easily sway online pools when voting en masse.

So without further ado, here's the winning entry.

P.S. Having voted for this, I can't help but feel guilty, and to assuage said guilt, have ordered this apropos item.

Guys, don't do this at work!

2007-12-19T20:57:00.000-05:00

Bwahahahaha!

Disappearing car doors

2007-12-19T20:43:00.000-05:00

A spiffy idea!

A Pack of Gifts Now

2007-12-19T17:32:00.001-05:00

UPDATE: Link fixed.
Nice parody. Link courtesy of Sir Rorus

Godzilla vs Batman vs etc...

2007-12-10T19:26:00.000-05:00

Who will win?

Yeh, I've posted this one before, but the past link is screwed.

Meerkat vs Scorpion

2007-12-10T19:03:00.000-05:00

Who will win?

Elk vs Bison

2007-12-10T19:01:00.000-05:00

Who will win?

Pix

2007-12-02T17:01:00.001-05:00

Evil Floating Head

2007-12-02T14:18:00.000-05:00

Amusing!

Death of a Bunny

2007-12-02T12:39:00.002-05:00

Update: Link fixed
I know it's not Easter yet, but here ya go.

Border Collie vs Cougar

2007-12-02T10:35:00.000-05:00

Who will win?

Flying Spaghetti Monster prayer

2007-11-28T20:30:00.000-05:00

Our Father, who art in pesto
Alfredo be thy name
Thy kingdom come, Al dente done,
on forks as it is on chopsticks
Give us this plate with garlic bread
be sure to give us napkins
As we give napkins to those who impress us
And lead me not to Olive Garden
but delivery from Carraba's.
For thine is the garlic,
the marinara and the oregano
Forever and ever
rAmen

No Country for Old Men

2007-11-26T17:31:00.000-05:00

As is often the case, Roger Ebert nails it:

The movie opens with the flat, confiding voice of Tommy Lee Jones. He describes a teenage killer he once sent to the chair. The boy had killed his 14-year-old girlfriend. The papers described it as a crime of passion, "but he tolt me there weren't nothin' passionate about it. Said he'd been fixin' to kill someone for as long as he could remember. Said if I let him out of there, he'd kill somebody again. Said he was goin' to hell. Reckoned he'd be there in about 15 minutes."

These words sounded verbatim to me from No Country for Old Men, the novel by Cormac McCarthy, but I find they are not quite. And their impact has been improved upon in the delivery. When I get the DVD of this film, I will listen to that stretch of narration several times; Jones delivers it with a vocal precision and contained emotion that is extraordinary, and it sets up the entire film, which regards a completely evil man with wonderment, as if astonished that that such a merciless creature could exist.

The man is named Anton Chigurh. No, I don't know how his last name is pronounced. Like many of the words McCarthy uses, particularly in his masterpiece Suttree, I think it is employed like an architectural detail: The point is not how it sounds or what it means, but the brushstroke it adds to the sentence. Chigurh (Javier Bardem) is a tall, slouching man with lank, black hair and a terrifying smile, who travels through Texas carrying a tank of compressed air and killing people with a cattle stungun. It propels a cylinder into their heads and whips it back again.

Chigurh is one strand in the twisted plot. Ed Tom Bell, the sheriff played by Jones, is another. The third major player is Llewelyn Moss (Josh Brolin), a poor man who lives with his wife in a house trailer, and one day, while hunting, comes across a drug deal gone wrong in the desert. Vehicles range in a circle like an old wagon train. Almost everyone on the scene is dead. They even shot the dog. In the back of one pickup are neatly stacked bags of drugs. Llewelyn realizes one thing is missing: the money. He finds it in a briefcase next to a man who made it as far as a shade tree before dying.

The plot will involve Moss attempting to make this $2 million his own, Chigurh trying to take it away from him and Sheriff Bell trying to interrupt Chigurh's ruthless murder trail. We will also meet Moss' childlike wife, Carla Jean (Kelly Macdonald); a cocky bounty hunter named Carson Wells (Woody Harrelson); the businessman (Stephen Root) who hires Carson to track the money after investing in the drug deal, and a series of hotel and store clerks who are unlucky enough to meet Chigurh.

"No Country for Old Men" is as good a film as the Coen brothers, Joel and Ethan, have ever made, and they made "Fargo." It involves elements of the thriller and the chase but is essentially a character study, an examination of how its people meet and deal with a man so bad, cruel and unfeeling that there is simply no comprehending him. Chigurh is so evil, he is almost funny sometimes. "He has his principles," says the bounty hunter, who has knowledge of him.

Consider another scene in which the dialogue is as good as any you will hear this year. Chigurh enters a rundown gas station in the middle of wilderness and begins to play a word game with the old man (Gene Jones) behind the cash register, who becomes very nervous. It is clear they are talking about whether Chigurh will kill him. Chigurh has by no means made up his mind. Without explaining why, he asks the man to call the flip of a coin. Listen to what they say, how they say it, how they imply the stakes. Listen to their timing. You want to applaud the writing, which comes from the Coen brothers, out of McCarthy.

The $2 million turns out to be easier to obtain than to keep. Moss tries hiding in obscure hotels. Scenes are meticulously constructed in which each man knows the other is nearby. Moss can run but he can't hide. Chigurh always tracks him down.

This movie is a masterful evocation of time, place, character, moral choices, immoral certainties, human nature and fate. It is also, in the photography by Roger Deakins, the editing by the Coens and the music by Carter Burwell, startlingly beautiful, stark and lonely. As McCarthy does with the Judge, the hairless exterminator in his "Blood Meridian" (Ridley Scott's next film), and as in his "Suttree," especially in the scene where the riverbank caves in, the movie demonstrates how pitiful ordinary human feelings are in the face of implacable injustice. The movie also loves some of its characters, and pities them, and has an ear for dialog not as it is spoken but as it is dreamed.

Many of the scenes in "No Country for Old Men" are so flawlessly constructed that you want them to simply continue, and yet they create an emotional suction drawing you to the next scene. Another movie that made me feel that way was "Fargo." To make one such film is a miracle. Here is another.

And for those (like me) who had problems with Tommy's twang, here is a transcript of the dream monologue:

Okay.
Two of 'em. Both had my father.
It's peculiar. I'm older now'n he
ever was by twenty years. So in a sen-
se he's the younger man. Anyway, first
one I don't remember so well but it
was about money and I think I lost it.
The second one, it was like we was
both back in older times and I was on
horseback goin through the mountains
of a night.

...Goin through this pass in the moun-
tains. It was cold and snowin, hard
ridin. Hard country. He rode past me
and kept on goin. Never said nothin
goin by. He just rode on past and he
had his blanket wrapped around him and
his head down...

...and when he rode past I seen he
was carryin fire in a horn the way
people used to do and I could see the
horn from the light inside of it.
About the color of the moon. And in
the dream I knew that he was goin on
ahead and that he was fixin to make a
fire somewhere out there in all that
dark and all that cold, and I knew
that whenever I got there he would be
there. Out there up ahead.

Cobra vs. Python

2007-11-22T20:58:00.000-05:00

Who will win?

Warning! Not for the squeamish!

Benny Lava

2007-11-22T20:06:00.000-05:00

My loony bun is fine, Benny Lava!

A Retard at the Creationist Museum

2007-11-22T18:57:00.000-05:00

What a classic prank!

From the article:

"HIIIIIII!” I yelled through a few men congratulating the museum founder with hearty handshakes, telling them in my special way to fuck off.

“I loyk yeu dinasoaw,” Ham told me in his distinct Australian accent, pointing at my prehistoric prop.

“I like dinosaurs! I like youuuu!” I countered affectionately, as Bunting wiped the moisture from his palms and shook Ken’s hand, telling him what organization we purportedly represented.

“I’m special! Hi!” I interrupted, rising from my wheelchair to give Ham a big bear hug. I emitted a high-pitched squeal of pure elation.

Bunting stepped in, telling Ham that he’d talked to Giles about an interview. Ham kindly offered to do it either “now or later.”

“NOW!” I demanded.

Hawk vs Rabbit

2007-11-22T18:54:00.000-05:00

Who will win?

Pay attention to the last sequence --the rabbit actually leaps over the hawk!

A Frilled Shark

2007-11-22T18:50:00.000-05:00

Rarely caught on video

My latest trilo acquisition

2007-11-22T17:08:00.000-05:00

A Diacalymene schucherti from Anticosti.
Five inches long if outstretched, this guy is the Ron Jeremy of Calymenids!
Thanks, Scott!

Another small batch of pics

2007-11-22T16:47:00.001-05:00

I like the two pictures of the kid. On the first, he is praying that the cute girl from his class will go out with him, then the God-Jesus robot answers 'No!'
It's nice to see that the Japanese take Christianity as seriously as Hercules or Thor.

Giant isopods. How cute!

I Watch Movies So You Don't Have To

2007-11-22T10:53:00.001-05:00

As always, I'm on the look-out for obscure movies, if just for the occasional find of a gem.
Here's a quick run-down of what I've seen recently.

*************

First off, the worse of the lot, Ogroff: The Mad Mutilator.

Shot on a budget usually reserved for kindergarden plays, this French slasher flick has all the charm of a bowel movement gone bad.
This is the story of a one-eyed trepinated war vet who gets his jollies by axe-dismembering the various nobodies that innocently wander into his neck of the woods.
And that's the whole movie.
There is no plot, no characteizations, no anything. Just people, adults and kids alike, being chased, caught, and decapitated. There isn't even any dialogue (save for six out-of-synch lines).
Oh, there is one twist. Halfway through the movie, he runs out of people to kill, so he starts offing some zombies that escaped from his basement. The End.

***********
Maniac Cop 2

The first Maniac Cop was a delightful horror comedy. How could it lose? Directed by William Lustig (Maniac), with a screenplay by Larry Cohen (It's Alive, Phonebooth, many classic Columbos), starring Bruce Campbell (lotsa good stuff), this story about a zombie cop terrorizing New York City was equal parts black humour, effective horror, and good action.

All of the above were reunited for the sequel, and with the addition of Charles Napier (Russ Myer films), my expectations were high. The lunchbag letdown was precipitous. All the good stuff I've mentioned for the above? Totally absent here.

Skip this one.

***********

Society

This was Brian Yuzna's first outing as a director, and is by a long shot the best movie he's ever done.
A young lad is about to turn eighteen and apparently has everything going for him -a rich family, posh school and adoring girls. Yet he doesn't feel like he's a fit to all this. His parents, for one thing, disapprove of his 'average Joe' traits and his awkwardness fitting in with the upper echelons of society.
In Rosemary's Baby fashion, it's slowly revealed that high society isn't what it's cracked up to be, and possibly very sinister as well.
This being a Yuzna flick, you can be pretty sure things get rather extreme, with the whole enterprise turning into a very extensive and funny 'The Aristocrats!' joke, which is so obviously the inspiration for this film.
Highly recommended!

************

Doctor Giggles

Bad puns and groaner one-liners are the raison d'etre behind this tale of a mad giggling doctor whose specialty is serial killing using the tools of his trade. A bit thin, but a good time-waster nonetheless. Bonus: A well-done hommage to Orson Welles thrown at the viewers smack in the middle of the movie, just for the hell of it.

**********
DR. PYCKLE AND MR. PRIDE

One of Stan Laurel's few solo outings, and only so-so. Though it's nice to see Stan tackle characters other than the soft-spoken dimwit, the comedy here is rather lame, relying too much on Stan mugging to the camera, as opposed with coming up with actual jokes. For completists only.

Bill Nye stuff

2007-11-22T10:43:00.000-05:00

First, this story from The Waco Tribune:

The Emmy-winning scientist angered a few audience members when he criticized literal interpretation of the biblical verse Genesis 1:16, which reads: “God made two great lights — the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars.”

He pointed out that the sun, the “greater light,” is but one of countless stars and that the “lesser light” is the moon, which really is not a light at all, rather a reflector of light.

A number of audience members left the room at that point, visibly angered by what some perceived as irreverence.

“We believe in a God!” exclaimed one woman as she left the room with three young children.

On the lighter side, here's a great vid of Bill as the super-hero Speed Walker:

Funny stuff!

Not bad for a Boeing engineer turned comedian.

Goat vs Eagle

2007-11-20T22:11:00.001-05:00

Who will win?

Eye bleach pleae!

2007-11-20T22:02:00.000-05:00

This is the grossest deformity I've ever seen.

Big Bill

2007-10-22T12:50:00.000-04:00

Used car commercial

Roundhay Garden

2007-10-22T11:34:00.000-04:00

The first movie ever, with some mash-ups.

Woman vs Sliding Doors

2007-10-20T09:27:00.000-04:00

Who will win?

Look around you -last episode

2007-10-17T20:31:00.000-04:00

This classic BBC science show from the seventies had a great season finale:
The Brain

Tomatos are Evil!

2007-10-17T18:34:00.000-04:00

Click here and find out why!

Lynx vs Bunny

2007-10-17T18:16:00.000-04:00

Who will win?

Moose vs Bison

2007-10-17T18:03:00.000-04:00

Who will win?

Car ballet

2007-10-06T14:01:00.000-04:00

The Dance of the crumple zone

Smiley Mitosis!

2007-09-18T07:14:00.000-04:00

:)
(:)
(|)
(X)
(> <)
(: :)

Courtesy of wood0366

FARK quote of the day

2007-09-16T20:13:00.000-04:00

The cool thing about being an atheist is you can mock the whole "terrorists blow themselves up for 72 virgins" thing and not look like a hypocrite because you think a cosmic jewish zombie saved your soul

--Action Replay Nick

Atheist Mormons

2007-09-16T20:06:00.001-04:00

Bwahahahahah

Separated at birth

2007-09-09T20:27:00.000-04:00

The World's Most Beautiful Libraries

2007-09-09T09:05:00.000-04:00

LINK (fixed)

Best Barbie porn video

2007-09-08T12:36:00.000-04:00

Artsy too!

Louis Armstrong

2007-09-08T11:02:00.000-04:00

Done as a hand shadow

Betty Boop as Snow White

2007-09-08T10:56:00.000-04:00

This is beyond strange.

Simple illusion

2007-09-08T10:45:00.001-04:00

That twists your brain

Dog vs fireworks

2007-09-08T10:23:00.000-04:00

Who will win?

Another good prank

2007-09-02T15:25:00.000-04:00

Nice to see High School kids having creative fun

Beyonce injured

2007-09-02T15:18:00.000-04:00

From The Onion News

3D Illusion Dragon

2007-09-02T14:19:00.000-04:00

The Illusion

The explanation and instructions

Sheep vs Math Class

2007-09-02T13:45:00.000-04:00

Who wlll win?

3D Video

2007-09-02T12:40:00.000-04:00

Holodeck, anyone?

Terrorist vs Mortar

2007-08-18T16:36:00.000-04:00

Who will win?

Mission Impossible

2007-08-16T18:26:00.001-04:00

Sqirrel style

Spank the money

2007-08-16T18:19:00.000-04:00

on the game show Catch Phrase

Soccer sorcery

2007-08-15T18:59:00.000-04:00

I'm not a fan of soccer, but I'm quite impressed with this guy.

Turtle vs turtle

2007-08-15T17:35:00.001-04:00

Who will win?

Pics again

2007-08-15T17:10:00.001-04:00

Snail vs Worm

2007-08-15T17:04:00.000-04:00

Who will win?

Ant vs Fungus

2007-08-15T17:03:00.000-04:00

Who will win?

Fungus

2007-08-15T17:02:00.001-04:00

Stop-motion photography

The story of Sodom and Gomorrah

2007-08-15T16:58:00.000-04:00

The Bible is weird, dude.

The lamest music video I've seen this month

2007-08-15T16:38:00.000-04:00

Telekinesis and candy
I kinda like it just the same.

Fou de Fa Fa

2007-08-15T16:37:00.000-04:00

By The Conchords

The Great African Land Snail

2007-08-15T16:32:00.000-04:00

Big mollusk!

Pony

2007-08-15T15:51:00.000-04:00

What all little girls want for their birthday

Batman vs Gozilla vs et al

2007-08-15T15:08:00.000-04:00

Who will win???

Mark Twain

2007-08-11T11:32:00.000-04:00

An excerpt from Sid and Marty Kroft's "The Adventures of Mark Twain"

Creepy

Planet Unicorn

2007-08-06T22:49:00.000-04:00

Eps 1 and 2

Creationist Archie comic

2007-08-06T21:54:00.000-04:00

Not a joke, the real thing

Kitten Marlowe

2007-08-06T21:32:00.001-04:00

FARK quote of the day

2007-08-04T13:23:00.001-04:00

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Where I plan to meet my wife

2007-07-28T14:08:00.001-04:00

(Click on top of pic for full page)

Random pics of the week

2007-07-22T11:38:00.001-04:00

I actually had this model as a kid.

That's a Hummer. And people buy them to feel safe???

The Chiro and the Pinky

2007-07-22T11:12:00.000-04:00

I submitted a headline to Fark yesterday:
Chiropractors get boned by New Jersey, linking to a story about NJ legislators who are trying to put the brakes on chiroquacks.

Of course, at one point in the discussion thread, some flake had to 'testify' in favour of these charlatans, with the usual useless anecdote:

Whamdangler

I had some back pain once, and a friend recommended a specific chiropractor.

When I arrived, the man told me that he had developed a "divining" technique, whereby he asked his higher being to ask my higher being what was wrong, and he could get answers be wiggling his pinky. I kid you not one bit.

Apparently, my higher being told his higher being that I was having a problem with my liver, because that's what he told me. He then did a very thorough "alignment", which felt fantastic. I felt very good afterwards, but he cautioned me to see someone about my liver problems.

Very shortly thereafter, I had an exam for life insurance, and they told me that I needed to see someone about my liver. I did, and I had it taken care of.

You be the judge.

Of course I replied:
(My alias is AlanSmithee, btw)

AlanSmithee

It was either
(a) A lucky guess
or
(b) Invisible pinky wizards exist.

Geez, tough choice.

And behold the powers of Fark, this appeared shortly thereafter:

(pic by Doctor Funkenstein)

So folks, if the Invisible Pinky Wizard turns into an internet cliche, you know wehre it started!

P.S. For a list of internet cliches, go to
Grampy's Cliche City